Holding my head above water

Usually you can tell when I’m going through some mental shit. I’m a pretty predictable human being, and although I seem to have spontaneous outbursts of manic happiness and depression, it kind of does happen like clock work.

Some things I notice about myself when I’m going mental:

  • I post more selfies
  • I change my hair, usually in a drastic way
  • I post more videos of myself
  • I dress up/ wear make up more often
  • I stare blankly out into nothing and I don’t hear people talking to me
  • I apologize more
  • I put myself down, especially to soccer teammates
  • I have panic attacks for small things like replying to texts/emails

I’ve been going through this more often than not this year, and it’s because I’m drowning.

As I get older, I get better at swimming in the pool of anxiety, depression, fear, and disappointment, but right now I’m choking.

Every day I just think about how I’ve let myself and everyone down. I’ve failed at my dreams. I’ve let down my parents, my in-laws, my boyfriend, my friends, my siblings, my coaches, my teammates, and my clients.

I’m 29 years old chasing an impossible dream. My college degree is useless for what I want to do, but I can’t afford to go back to school. My business is hanging on by a thread and I’m hoping I can afford my phone bill this month. I feel like I’ve let everyone down because I told them to pursue their dreams and that if your heart is in it and you work hard, you will get there.

I feel like a fraud. Every day I fight my own mind to try not to give up on everything. I have to distract myself so that I can keep on going.

But I won’t give up because I can’t. I’m not like most people, at least, I don’t think that I am. I have to have something to live for, something to dream and strive for. I don’t care about being comfortable if it means compromising my dreams. I’ve tried going the safe route, the practical route before, and it made me miserable. Right now, I’m not miserable. I’m scared. I’m afraid that I’m doing the wrong thing. I’m afraid that I’m hurting others by following my dreams. But I’m not miserable.

Misery is dreading to wake up each day because 8-16 hours of it is spent doing something you absolutely hate, all for money to spend on your free time. Then life becomes a series of weekends, and year after year those hours accumulate and you never get that time back. I don’t understand how someone can think that is better. That’s why I don’t think that I am like most people.

I’m not lazy. I work and I work hard. I take pride in everything I do, which is why doing something I hate is so exhausting.

I will NOT give in to the pressure. I WILL figure out my own way. My faith in myself and in the fact that God has a greater purpose for me has taught me how to hold my head above water. My legs keep treading, even though they are tired and feel as though they are about to give out. I know that something will come, some opportunity that will set me on the next pathway. No matter how afraid I am, I will not lose hope, I will no give up, I will not acquiesce to the demands of society.

One person does not pave the road; the road is the result of hundreds before that have struggled and fought to put down one brick at a time. I will not leave this earth until I’ve made sure to put mine down.

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