A Coming of Age

If you’ve read, if you’ve followed, if you’ve met me in the past two years. You have seen that I’ve been going through a thing.

I’ve spent most of my life being an apologetic person.

Sorry for bothering you. Sorry for crying. Sorry for not being good enough. Sorry for not being strong enough. Sorry for my anxiety. Sorry for my jealousy. Sorry for my bluntness. Sorry for my need to talk. Sorry for my intensity. Sorry for my outbursts. Sorry for my inability to control my emotions. Sorry for my loneliness. Sorry for being a prude. Sorry for being a slut. Sorry for not knowing what I want. Sorry when I know what  want. Sorry for existing.

I don’t know why things have seemed to intensify and I feel lost all the time. I’m trying to figure out what the fuck I want out of my life, and I’m getting frustrated because I’m looking for it in other people. I look for it in my boyfriend, my friends, my family, my coworkers, and my teammates.

But why does what I want from life have to come from them?

I’ve never been a strong independent person. I may have pretended that I am, but it’s not my natural state. My whole life, I’ve needed people. I’ve needed their love and attention. I’ve needed their support and approval; I need my existence validated. It seems like everything I’ve done in my life has been for the sake of the audience watching, so I’ve lived the past 31 years of my life in perpetual stage fright.

It gets exhausting to shape shift to make others happy, especially when it’s unnecessary; a lie I tell myself I have to live for fear that what is truly inside me is nothing interesting enough to love.

Who is the real me? I feel that she is sick of being silenced and wants what she wants. But you can’t do anything halfway. Fear keeps me from jumping in. My own insecurities turn me into a jealous monster for imaginary reasons, and an internal battle pursues.

My mind is in a constant state of chaos, as I’m trying to figure out who the fuck I am and who I want to be.

I know that I don’t want to be an apologetic insecure person anymore, so do I jump in?

Fear of the unknown is daunting.

Could it be possible for two souls to be trapped in one body?

The heart wants what it wants.

Let me follow my heart with no regret or remorse, nor shame.

Let me love myself as I love you.

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