White Noise

It flutters.

Open eyes, partially blinded

by invisible shutters.

I’m reminded

that I can’t see.

And the buzzing starts in one, two, …

Three.

 

The pink and white blanket.

Warm smell of bacon, eggs, and cheese.

Just one more minute

to dream, please.

 

We ditched school with Autumn on a Wednesday.

Looking up,

remember watching the trees sway

from the bed of her truck?

 

Blue-violet-purple, puffy plum.

Why do you do this.

Why can’t you just jump

Already.

 

Hey you.

I was in line to get a Hot Pocket.

Hey you.

That buzzing, stop it.

 

Boom Boom Boom.

She watched me dance.

Boom Boom Boom.

I made him smile.

Boom Boom Boom.

I heard them laugh.

Way-Yo.

 

We watched the stars from the roof

and he cried.

I’m so sorry, he said.

He lied.

 

You have to stop calling,

He said on the phone.

But I was already falling,

and now I was alone.

 

 

Why are you so nice?

Is that what it’s called?

I need her advice.

I don’t understand it all.

 

Why is it so pleasing?

That sound

of glass shattering

on the ground.

Outside Steph’s party.

In the ravine.

You never said sorry.

Now I’m stuck in between.

 

I’m in love with you

Is what he said.

But he didn’t know me

so he fucked me instead.

 

The sun was setting,

yellow bled into blue.

And as I looked at the moon,

I thought about you.

 

That drunken rant,

you think that you know me

but you can’t.

The buzzing, perpetually

white noise

will stop eventually.

 

How can I help,

What happened to you?

My head just isn’t well,

and there’s nothing we can do.

 

Pink and white.

I want to stay.

It doesn’t feel right

to be alive in this way.

Wanting to be asleep

because my dreams are lovely,

but they only keep

me forever lonely.

 

I felt the ocean breeze

as you touched me under the trees.

We had sneaked into that hotel pool,

and I believed that you loved me

because I was a fool.

 

Cover up, blend it in.

Cake it on; hide your shame,

Go ahead, disguise your sin,

To them, it’s all the same.

 

Hey you.

They keep buzzing at me.

Hey you.

You look like a monkey.

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

She told me I was beautiful.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

He told me I was sexy.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I can still hear them laughing.

Way-Yo.

 

We looked at the stars

and listened to The Smiths.

But you never stole my heart,

and you never will be missed.

 

Maybe it was an accident,

the way you used me.

My virginity spent,

My esteem crushed so cruelly.

 

I’m not a charmer,

I just love you deeply.

As my heart grows warmer,

my words flow freely.

 

You stupid slut,

she said it with a grin.

She’s joking, but

of course it got in

deep inside, reminding me

of my imperfections.

So get surgery.

And we made a selection.

So I throw the glass bottle,

and I kicked that dent,

My rage in full throttle,

for money superficially spent.

 

Of course you aren’t in love,

I realize my purchase.

But I never learn enough

to not trust what a man says.

 

The colors of twilight,

for a moment, everything stops.

Happiness comes back in sight,

My heart no longer rots.

The buzzing takes a break,

My floating fills with bliss,

My lips gently ache

for another soft kiss.

 

That night, I screamed.

But you couldn’t have known.

You were hurting too, it seemed.

I hadn’t yet shown

the colors of my pain,

or the sound of my regrets.

But you let me explain,

and mutual trust starts to set.

 

You can’t save me,

because I’m not doomed.

You just need to water me

so that I can bloom.

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