Chibi Ninja Blog

*Trigger warning: This poem depicts some images of sexual trauma

 

First Kiss(es)?

 

Why bother

to smother this heat-pressed mess 

of misunderstood redundancies with more memories?

Necessary understanding of unnecessary reprimanding

for feeling hurt for things that already happened;

So they did, those dumb kids, get over it. 

 

Fifteen years

ago

the time slows and then speeds over

dark-skinned boys with reaching hands, 

grabbing greedily at my arms and pants; 

Silently I stand in petrified confusion

at the kiss you stole from me

through the open window of her car

that left an invisible scar that migrated

to the insulated lumps in my throat. 

Laughter from everyone but me; how

could you see inside me, to believe that 

the small thing you did, so cutely candid,

actually disgusted me?

 

Or what about you (I mix up the two) 

alone in your room, how stupid to trust you.

Pulling again, fingers slipping in, as I push out.

No. I’m hurting, please stop. 

Pushing, pulling, I’m trying to cover up

but no matter how many clothes I put on, 

I can feel your eyes burning through

as I recluse, but I can’t escape your invisible hand

on the nape of my neck. 

Down, push down, no i said no.It’s wet and 

I don’t know 

what to do, why am I here? 

please let me go. 

 

Young romance; I missed you somehow, 

because kisses have never been 

romantic nor given; 

Young love; just a naive fantasy,

from me, they had so selfishly

taken.